When you’re in something, it’s tougher to actually be aware of what’s going on. You can’t see the forest for the trees and all that (it actually can be a blessing in disguise if you think about it)… Maybe that’s why when someone said to me, “your family has been so affected by cancer,” the other day, it took me a little by surprise. (Thanks, by the way, for the announcement.) It’s not like I don’t realize the bouts my family has had with cancer are serious or real, but maybe it’s because it’s always kind of been ongoing with my grandparents (especially my grandma) that I’m just used to it. Also, because I’m away at school for the majority of the time probably makes it easier for me to put it out of my head, where I’m not constantly faced with it. My grandma is losing her hair and is getting weaker from the chemotherapy. I see it now that I’ve been home for Christmas break, and it’s only been a little over a week so far. I hear about it on the phone, but it’s still not the same. When I hang up, I don’t have to turn around and deal with it immediately.
Yesterday I helped my grandma comb her wig and fit it on her head with a hat she had to resolve herself to wearing by telling herself lots of other women have to do the same thing. She didn’t like the hat. She hates the wig. She would never say it like that, but I can tell. She wants her own hair… but she wants her life more. I’m really glad she always wants to live. (I actually think the hat looked great on her, and I told her that.) Chemotherapy is not easy, and it’s not the first time my grandma has gone through it. She has had so much cancer in her body, she is literally a walking miracle. She has some awesome stories about how God has saved her from her illnesses. I love listening to her and observing her trust in Jesus.
A few years ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long) I was helping my grandpa match shapes with a “matching shapes puzzle” because he had been so affected by the radiation for his brain tumor, he was even having trouble identifying shapes. When I hear anything similar to the phrase “matching shapes puzzle” (and it’s more often than you think considering JB and all my friends who have kids) I think of grandpa struggling to fit a square cardboard cutout into a wooden board. I’m willing to bet that’s probably not your average word association.
Cancer is rough and is causing changes I don’t know if I’m ready for. Our family has already gone through a lot of unexpected change recently, but really, I know there is much more to come.