Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tomorrow I get to go home.
Really, you have no idea how much weight those words carry right now. The first thing I'm going to do is take a long drink of cold, Edgewood water. Then I'm going to go for a run in the evening down Edgewood road. Then I'm going to hang out with my family in the living room and relax. Maybe I'll eat some homemade popcorn because it's delicious. Like the kind you pop in the pan, not the microwave crap. The next day I told JB I would take him on a picnic and we would pick blackberries. He said "ok, but I just might get some scratches, KK." I told him we would be careful, but if he got a scratch that we could put a band-aid on it. He said, "But we will be far away from the house!" I assured him we could pack some band-aids along just in case, "OH! That's a GOOD idea, KK!" So I'm excited about that. I'm also looking forward to seeing my Grandma and Nonno and Nonni. I really wish I could see Carla, but she's leaving right before I will arrive. Oh well. I get to see her next weekend, then stay with her in Bend for a few days. I love Bend. The main thing I'm looking forward to is not having to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months on end. (Ok, ok, it's not months on end, but two months can feel that way.) The things I'm looking forward to eating are:
-Green salad with fresh tomatoes and lemon cucumbers. YUM.
I realize this might sound overdramatic, but who cares. I'm just really glad I get to go home.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Level-headed, mature, has so much common sense, solid, a rock, not emotional.
These terms have all been used to describe me, by a wide array of people. Now, before you become disgusted with me and stop reading this, (or perhaps you're so intrigued by my self praise at this point that you will read on anyway)know that at this moment in time, and in fact many moments in time, I am frustrated with my common sense. Why? Because it's so restraining! Don't think I am not flattered by these descriptions of me by others, I am 100% flattered, and most of the time I love my non-emotional common sense. But I would love to be able to just flip out once in a while. You know, yell at someone because I have grounds to. Or just cry and cry and have someone else tell me it will be OK rather than having my stupid common sense brain screaming at me, "Karen, how much does this or will this really matter in the grand scheme of things?" Stop common sense, go away! Just for one day let me over-react and exaggerate and think that it's the end of the world. When I have grounds to be mad at someone, let me give it to them, stop pulling my grounds out from under me. Let me grieve at the loss of a friendship, or complain because I've been sitting in a trailer all summer and not feel guilty about it.
Even now, I feel like posting this blog is an emotional reaction that I will regret because my common sense tells me I don't need this release, that I am just fine. So perhaps I will delete it tomorrow. And perhaps I won't. My common sense and I have had a lot of battles lately.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
What do you say when a seasoned firefighter tells you he's spent the last two days searching for and going through the remains of the nine firefighters killed in the recent helicopter crash in Trinity County? What do you say when he can't help crying after he's said that? What do you say? Or do you say nothing at all? I'm sorry seems inadequate. Silence seems uncaring. What do you say when he looks up from their pictures with tears in his eyes and asks, "did you know any of these guys? I did." What do you say? I don't know - all I know is I had to say something when this happened to me today. I mumbled that I am sorry for the loss, and I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He thanked me and it seemed genuine - like he knew I was searching for the words but could not find them. I think it's because sometimes there are none, but they are the best way for us to convey our sincerity in caring.
It's easy to detach myself from what's happening around here without realizing it. Today though, as images of the fallen firefighters and pilot flooded the trailer (office), I was acutely aware of my emotions, and it was hard for me. Pictures of them with their families, their new wives, their fiances... reading of their ambitions of finishing school, starting school - the seven that were killed were so young! Somehow it feels closer to home since they were all from Southern Oregon (Central Point, Grants Pass, Medford, Ashland).
What do you say? I have no idea.